The Art of Falling Apart + Age is in the Attitude
A few oldies but goodies from my article archives: when you work in media as long as I have - even just writing & publishing occasionally - you are bound to have articles in publications that are now (unfortunately) defunct. I recently found some from an online magazine (Sloane) from a lifetime ago, and found them to be as relevant as ever, especially as young women continue to feel crushed under the weight of societal and social media pressures around insane beauty standards and aging. So, I am reposting both for memory sake, and to rescue them from being swallowed up in the digital graveyard.
Originally published in 2010, Sloane Magazine, by yours truly
The Art of Falling Apart
“Embrace your body exactly as it is right now — and celebrate how damn good you look.” ~ Nora Ephron
I have experienced a series of moments over the past year where when passing a mirror, I have caught a glimpse of myself only to not recognize one body part or another. That doesn’t belong to me, does it? Why is that there? When did that move? It is not as though I am consumed by vanity, nor am I particularly vulnerable to the onslaught of magazine articles telling me how to better my physical self. I am a healthy, active, well kept 30-something who can no longer ignore the fact that my body keeps changing on me whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. This is inevitable for all of us, and so like millions of other women I feel like I spend a substantial amount of time getting into shape, from exercise to vitamins to beauty regiments, just to have some more physical adversity surface. I liken it to the carnival game “whac-a-mole,” where you aggressively use the mallet to pound the pests back into their holes, just to have another surprise pop up somewhere else. Our relationships with our bodies are indeed a succession of disasters and triumphs that are sure to provide further fodder for your friends if you choose to share it, because as I have discovered, almost everyone is harboring dirty little beauty secrets. It stands to reason: other relationships may come and go, but our bodies are always with us.
For all the confidence I have in feeling “fabulous” in my thirties, I recently had second thoughts about my cocky attitude after I threw my back out (Thanks a lot, yoga. I thought we were friends). This was then exacerbated by spending too much time resting, thus making my mind idle, which allowed me to discover various other superficial ailments and falling victim to a self-imposed downward spiral of judgment. In my head, my body can bounce back from anything like it did when I was twenty, but in reality, my bad back, the lines around my eyes, the random renegade facial hairs and sudden shift in skin texture and body dimensions, beg to differ. They stand as a testament to the last ten years of wear and tear, mocking me for my naïve assumptions that things will stay relatively the same if I moisturize them to death.
The tyranny of personal maintenance becomes so entrenched with your every day routine, that it acts like an old trusted friend, beckoning you with facial cream, teeth whitener and tweezers. It seems our “maintenance” and the subsequential myriad annoying, repetitive actions may indeed have larger implications for women in general. But who am I to rally against thousands of years worth of beauty rituals or the billions of dollars the beauty industry claims off of us every year? I submit, though my inner intellectual and open-minded Self (who is far too busy from such trivialities) rolls her eyes and shakes her head, obviously annoyed at my own superficial absurdity. But then I think, psychologically speaking, if you feel confident in how you present yourself to the world, doesn’t it have a positive affect on your mental health? Perhaps this is a stretch, but even Chanel was quoted as saying, “I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little…you never know, maybe that’s the day she has a date with destiny. And it’s best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.” Shallow? Maybe. But is it so wrong to take pride in oneself, creating some beautified armor to take on the world in addition to your intellectual savvy? I don’t pretend to confuse this with self-esteem, but I do believe there is something to this, as apparently millions of you do too.
I began to commiserate with friends, to make sure I alone wasn’t coming apart at the seams, and wondered what was physically changing for them as well. I was frequently greeted with laughter followed by the longest list of upkeep regimes imaginable, and I concluded that this was a conversation we will be updating for decades to come. Common beauty battles included everything from wrinkles to random hair growth, adult acne, cellulite, back/ feet/joint problems and thinning hair, among so many others that it began to read like a television commercial for a product with bad side effects. It is of little wonder that our parade of hairstylists, estheticians and trainers become like our therapists, guiding us through various remedies as a quick fix to our often hectic and frazzled lives. Apparently, we are all bonded by our self-conscious behavior that manifests in our cyclical beauty regimes to hide any number of issues. No one said the truth to attaining “beauty” would actually be pretty, but it sure is funny.
At a certain point, all you can do is laugh at all the upkeep, do what makes you happy, and stop obsessing about it. Somewhere, someone else would gladly trade their beauty woes for yours, or perhaps are struggling through the exact same battles, which nobody actually notices except for you. Like it or not, your body has its limitations, so treat it well because you have a long life together, and the foreseeable series of changes that will happen are followed by periods of adjustment. So the next time you are all dolled up, but then catch a glimpse of a random chin hair, pluck that sucker immediately and remind yourself, “In ten years I will yearn for the body I have now.” Give yourself a break, book yourself into a spa, and pay someone else to deal with the things you cannot control. I just did.
Age is in the Attitude
“Age only matters when one is aging. Now that I have arrived at a great age, I might just as well be twenty…Youth has no age.” ~ Pablo Picasso
I recently overheard a woman complain about turning thirty; she bemoaned getting older, having responsibilities and less fun. “Oh sister, if only you knew!”, I thought. It was difficult to restrain myself from telling her she had no idea just how much more powerful and confident it is to be a woman in your thirties. You are a survivor of misguided, youthful folly and jubilance, thankfully arriving at 30 infinitely more sure of yourself. Although the journey of self-discovery is life-long, there is something to be said for taking those many roads that lead to so many mistakes in your 20’s. You will eventually be thankful for it all, having lived and learned about yourself. You’ll be proud to celebrate your passage by hoisting your flag atop the mini mountain that is 30! It’s an accomplishment. Your 30’s are not what you imagined during your teenage years. I look back and laugh when I recall what I imagined. What will you say to yourself looking back from 50? 60? 30 is young — enough with lamenting over birthdays! As is the case for all the decades to come: age is entirely an attitude, and if you find yourself in a progressive and positive state of mind, you can be any age you feel you want to be. Do not submit to an age category box. Just. Don’t. Do. It.
I am not here to stereotype or judge those younger than I, especially because I know some spectacularly wise teenagers and 20-something’s, some disastrous 30 & 40 year olds, and of course, brilliant, youthful and inspiring women in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. The frivolity of those earlier years can bring about both wonderful and difficult experiences. Reckless abandon shifts to cautious optimism, peppered with skepticism. As young women, we are busy proving to the world we can take care of ourselves, all the while test driving our emotions, test driving partners and defining ourselves. It’s a wild and wonderful ride, so take the time to reflect on it and be excited for all the possibilities. For most women, the person she is at 20 is drastically different than the woman she becomes by 30: the evolution is a messy but beautiful process.
C.S. Lewis said, “Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.” There may be some truth to that, but if you think you are suddenly going to wake up one day “an adult,” think again. No matter your age, you continue to straddle the divide between adolescence and responsibility of adulthood. Embrace it. I don’t think it serves one well to solely fall onto one side of that equation or the other. For God’s sake, have some fun while you’re doing it all; laugh and be open with your friends; they need it too. I think there is an honesty that comes with age, letting down guards, exposing your battle scars, and admitting you don’t know everything. There is tremendous freedom in that. In my 30’s it was as though the flood-gates opened and truth started to spill from the mouths of my friends as we stopped our judgmental tendencies and finally saw each other for everything we have in common as women. It is important to maintain perspective, and not get lost in the details because your 30’s are busy. You have a career, a full social life, hobbies, travel, maybe even a marriage and/or kids. You may find yourself in a position at work or at home, wondering how you got there. The new adjectives that reflect your own “maturity” and include more concrete ideals such as integrity, passion for living, principles, goal-oriented, considerate and loving. Creating the life you want in your 30’s takes work, but it’s worth it! You finally can make it on your own terms, and in collaboration with an equal partner. Your thirties (and beyond) are a force with which to be reckoned in all the right ways.
Relationships change too, and whether you are married, divorced or dating, you suddenly find yourself asking questions about your future that had just seemed so far away. My friends and I jokingly refer to our lives as “tales from the dangerously self-sufficient” that include as we are building our careers, buying our homes, taking ourselves out to dinner, and managing our own investments. The majority of women in my life live in major cities from New York to Vancouver, and Los Angeles to London. There’s an abundance of incredible, single women in each city and happily so. For every woman who is married with kids, I will show you five who are not but living extremely full lives. I have come to know couples in fantastic relationships, but even more who have channeled dreams of prince/princess charming into fantasies of their own making. Do we want to have it all? Yes. Will we survive without it? Yes. But now is the time to decide what you can and can’t live without.
I am lucky in my life to be surrounded by incredible women who are smart, kind, funny, cultured and driven.With so much to discuss, I gathered these women together for a roundtable discussion and asked these friends — from journalists to producers, artists to financiers, single ladies to mothers — to share their (anonymous) thoughts on being a 30- something.
What do you like about being in your thirties?
— I love my 30’s because it’s all about me as an independent woman and I can do whatever I want on my own terms, living by my own rules that come from my heart and my brain! In my 20’s I was consumed by the little things in life, like what to wear, who to date and what hot spot I planned on hitting. In my 30’s I am thinking of my path to financial freedom, the countries I want to visit, my home, my family, my friends, looking at myself with an objective eye, evolving as a woman. In my 20’s I was always confident without reason but in my 30’s I am confident and have an understanding of it.
— I feel so loving and happy in my 30’s. My 20’s were a mess for me! Everything fell into place and made sense in my 30’s. I know what I am doing here now when in my 20’s I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going, and I hear the 40’s are even better, if you can imagine, and 50’s, then 60’s and so on. I feel able to take on whatever I need, whether from a business or personal standpoint.
— Motherhood. The clarity of action/ purpose. The multi-faceted beauty of womanhood amplified is happening right now for me in my 30’s with a growing awareness of what that means in human terms.
— A few things come to mind… I’ve always been a people pleaser and I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put your own feelings and happiness ahead of trying to please everyone else…as I get older this is becoming clearer to me. I’ve also noticed that my relationship with my parents has started to develop into more of a friendship than a parent/ child relationship in the past couple years. And I still have as much fun as I did in my 20s but I now have more of my own money to do it with!
— As someone who is very focused on career at the moment, I love that in your thirties people take you seriously in business. Finally! — Oh God, I love my thirties. There is such a profound relief in it. Not that it is easier, just richer and more productive. I was reminded on my birthday this year of a great Oscar Wilde quote: “Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.”
What did you think you would be doing now? What are you doing now and is it better?
— I thought I would have a job where I am hugely successful… I am working on doing that now, in an industry I love; however I never accounted for my taste getting so much more specific and lifestyle becoming such a big factor.
— I thought I would be married with 6 kids. But I am working at work, at home and on myself, and actually this is much better! I hope for a good man but if he doesn’t show up I can live out my dreams on my own!
— I am continuing building my career experience as a writer, starting my own company, being a full-time mom, writing my thesis, and gearing up to be officially back to work: generally expanding my outlook. Building my own business is immensely rewarding, humbling, challenging and worth it. I’ve literally felt myself grow exponentially as a human being.
What women do you admire?
— I look at my mother and see how solid she is. That can only come with experience and it is amazing to see.
— Successful women in business like Producer Christine Vachon.
— Any woman with a command of her brilliance and fierce with a vital capacity to love. Women that transcend time…
— I admire Angelina Jolie…she’s successful, adopted half a litter, had a litter of her own and doesn’t give a s**t what anyone thinks! Also, my dearest friend for never judging me, always supporting my decisions, never telling me what to do but guiding me with my best interest in mind, being a great listener, a truthful woman, giving me unconditional love and being a great friend.
What questions would you ask of your peers?
— Are we really grown ups?
— My concerns are that I might not carry a child of my own at this point. I would ask my peers if they have the same concerns and how they feel about the possibility of never conceiving a child.
— I generally ask spontaneous questions when together with other girlfriends
— I like the ones that are based on day-to-day life experiences, of the now.
Thoughts on the youth obsessed media?
— The one thing about youth that can never be captured in the later years is the sparkle in your skin and stupidity. I don’t understand the obsession with youth in media. I personally find a woman that has lived out her youth more attractive. She has more substance and character.
— I hardly even notice it anymore. Good for them…it is only a one-dimensional perspective, so as long as I keep that in mind, it doesn’t bother me.
— I think the youth of today get it. Frivolity, gaiety, freedom to satisfy pleasures and whims is underrated — it’s about a youthful state of mind. They’re doing all these things; they’re smart, savvy, spearheading the 21st century in a lot of ways (direct and indirect), and achieving what someone in their 30’s, 40’s and up can without context…
Any lessons you would like to share? Advice?
— Appreciate yourself as a woman. Give love and honest friendship. Accept wrong decisions and take appropriate actions so not to live with the mistake.
— Be conscious of your own day-today reality, there’s art in that! And make it a personal achievement to live each decade better than the one before but never compare them.
— Don’t be lazy and bank on things like, “ it’s likely”
— Move past the relationship fairy tale. Embrace a real partnership, because it is infinitely more rewarding. Don’t give up on romance, it is very important, but learn to love the qualities of another, do the fairy tale the right way. Connection is everything, because at the end of the day you really have to like someone, not just love, so that you still stay engaged and interested in their own journey as an individual, while incorporating it in to your own and constantly loving forward together. And at this stage of the game, if you are out there dating, if a connection doesn’t fit, then move on…
— Life takes you down unexpected paths without warning. If you have good people around, you will always make it through stronger. Take time to hear someone’s story, you may be surprised at what you learn. Follow your heart even if it leads toward a difficult road. Love deep and without reserve. Cherish your friends and family neither can be replaced. Regret is the worst thing to live with, so take a risk and be okay with whatever the outcome. Have faith and appreciate what you have today.
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